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4 Steps to get you started on the Journey to Self-Acceptance

4 Steps to get you started on the Journey to Self-Acceptance


By Sullivan 

 

I think we often forget that we are subjected to ourselves for our whole life. We are born, we go through childhood, school, our careers, we find people we love and care for, but at the true core of everything is us. People can want you to look a certain way, to react in a certain manner, to love certain people, but ultimately the person we need to answer to is ourselves. 


What is self-acceptance 

Self-acceptance is believing that you deserve unconditional love and acceptance just as you are, as well as acknowledging your strengths and faults without excessive judgement. Is this an easy thing to achieve – not at all, in fact it’s a journey we take with ourselves over our entire lives. 

Looking back at 16-year-old me is like looking at a completely different person. I used to push myself into this polite, quiet persona. Partly because I had no idea who I was, but also because I was terrified of the rejection I could have faced if I were to step out of this front. We’re all bound to grow and change as we age, and I’m sure in 10 years I’m going to look back and see another different version of myself. Accepting every version of you that has existed (even through the rough patches) is important for us to move on from the past and continue to be good to ourselves and others in the future. 

 

Things to do 

Beware the Internet! 

A year ago, I decided to delete all social media from my phone. I found that I was constantly comparing where I was in my life to others of the same age. I felt so shameful that I wasn’t abroad living the dream, that I wasn’t in university, or that I had very few friends to my name, that I moved away from all my friends and built a new life at 18, and that I’m now actively studying to go to university. 

Social media was my root cause for lacking self-worth, and since I deleted everything, I feel so much more in tune to my needs, and act on what I want from my life. We can’t all go cold turkey like I did, but something to bear in mind when scrolling through your feed: ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ is a famous phrase for a reason. Instead of trying to shut down this natural emotion, understand why you’re feeling it, and if there’s a root cause: think about addressing it. 

 

Find your Community :   

Community can be anyone - family, friends, colleagues, your gaming group, your local sports team... we all deserve a community that lifts us up and inspires us to be better versions of ourselves, as well as being a shoulder to lean on when the world feels against us.  

I’m prone to being an independent person. I often times believe that ‘I don’t need anyone’s help’, it’s as if I somehow lose the game of life by needing a soppy conversation every now and then but being able to be vulnerable around others strengthens our emotional regulation, while allowing us to build deep and meaningful bonds that helps everyone feel safe and a little less isolated. 

I remember my best friend and I coming out as trans to each other at 15, I was so terrified that it took me 30 minutes to type out (okay, maybe it was an hour..). I kept thinking that if I actually said this thing out loud, it would finally make it real. I was scared that I would no longer be able to hide in this persona I’d created anymore. But by engaging in that vulnerability, I found an acceptance both in him and myself. Looking back, that statement was the beginning of my own self – acceptance journey. 

 

Do the things that you Love! (you don’t need to be the best) :   

Find something that you enjoy doing and set aside time to do it!  Change the ‘I really want to...’ to ‘I am going to...’, put yourself in uncomfortable situations, and learn from the mistakes. 

You won’t be fantastic at the beginning, in fact you may suck quite a lot, but so what? Showing up and proving to yourself that you can learn something new is more important, and having fun is what it’s really all about. 

Being the best is overrated but enjoying something is timeless and endlessly rewarding. Ignore the impossible, pointless pressure to be ‘good’; start something new because you want to and continue because you enjoy it. As soon as we start to confine ourselves to what we can and cannot do, we shut ourselves off to so many experiences that could teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and the world. Allow yourself to want freely. 

 

Find the Prism :  

Inside you is the potential for an explosion of colour - learn to accept the euphoric yellows, the gloomy blues, the uncertain oranges, the passionate reds, calm greens, and the quirky purples. You are not invisible, and you get to decide what you do with the darkness and the light that you receive. 

There will be moments where you question your self-worth, or downright refuse to believe you’re worthy of any kindness at all. I’ve been there, and it can be frustrating as not everyone understands that struggle but just know: you are not the only one! Take those moments to cry, walk, talk, dance, scream it out, or sleep it off, but don’t give up on yourself and over time you will get there – you will come out the other side brighter, bolder, and more at peace with yourself. You deserve it. 

Further reading: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10129173/ 

 

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Coming Out Changed Our Lives — But Not Our Bond | My mum shares her feelings on my transition 

Coming Out Changed Our Lives — But Not Our Bond | My mum shares her feelings on my transition 

To give some background information, I came out around 5-6 years ago as a trans man to my mum. While we had some rocky moments at the beginning, she is now my biggest supporter and my greatest friend. For context my mum moved to the UK from South Africa at 19/20 years old, where this subject wasn’t as widely known or talked about.     From listening and actually hearing me in the very beginning, educating herself for my benefit, and being by my bedside after top surgery, I am forever grateful for her support. Now enough sappiness, and let’s get into a Q&A with a parent of a trans man.    How do you remember the story of me coming out? Do you think that was a good way for you to find out?  ‘I was out salsa dancing, and a notification came up on my watch. I glanced down and it just said ‘’I want to be a boy’’. Then I looked again and the message was deleted. You then waited a few days before typing a longer message with the same intent behind it.’    Do you think this was a good way for you to find out?    ‘No, I don’t think that was a good way. I would have preferred us to have had a conversation. I do know it was very difficult for you to tell me, but I also am a very open person and would have taken you seriously.’    Do you remember your initial reaction when I came out? If so, what was it and how have your feelings changed/remained the same?  ‘Yes, I was sad (I tried to hide it) but I felt like I was losing my little girl. It was a sense of loss, really.’    Are those feelings of loss still present after 5/6 years of me being out?  ‘Over time I realized nothing really changed. While your appearance changed and your name changed, you were still you. There was nothing to lose really.’     What’s something you wish you and I approached differently during the initial settling period (couple of months-year after coming out)?  ‘There is nothing I would have approached differently; I think we both handled the situation as best as we could at the time.’    Have you seen a difference in me since being out? This can be positive or negative.  ‘Yes, you have become more confident and happier in your skin. It’s lovely to see!’    What’s a common misconception about trans people that you hear when you tell people you have a Trans child?   ‘People tend to think it’s a choice that you made. I must explain to them that no child would want to have to make this change. It’s how they were born. Also, when they find out you are attracted to men, they always say ‘’Then why did he transition?’’ People battle to understand that being trans is about your body and being gay is about your feelings.’    What piece of advice would you give to the parents of children who have just come out as Trans?  ‘Breathe. Everything gets easier over time. Do your research and try to understand your child. It’s not a choice that they just decided to make overnight, it’s who they are. Be on their side, it’s more difficult for them than for you. And above all, because your child has told you they are trans it does not change who they are inside.’    My own perspective When people ask me for advice on coming out, I always say to people to be understanding yet firm in your identity. While initial shock and confusion are suspected emotions your parents may feel when you come out, that doesn’t mean disrespect and anger is a justifiable response. And while I completely understand parents and loved ones sometimes need time to come around and truly understand, being shocked is no excuse to treat your child poorly.    Please remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong by coming out! You are so worthy of love and kindness, so stand up for your identity as you would for a friend.  

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A Trans Person’s Guide to Planning a Stress-Free Holiday

A Trans Person’s Guide to Planning a Stress-Free Holiday

  1. Go with a friend you trust and who understands why you might feel anxious about parts of your travelling   Travelling can be a stressful experience; it's why the phrase ‘I need a holiday from my holiday’ is so widely thrown about these days. So, one thing you can do to make your trip as relaxing as possible is to invite a friend who you like. Someone who understands you and your thought processes.    I know what you’re thinking, shouldn’t you like all your friends? And to answer that, yes, yes, you should. But spending days or possibly weeks in someone’s company can really test a friendship. I have friends who I love, but no sum of money could convince me to travel with them – no offence.     People have different daily routines and things they enjoy/don’t enjoy doing. For example, if you’re an early bird who likes to go exploring so there’s no anxiety over crowds of people, and you’re travelling with someone who sleeps in till 1pm... yep, welcome to hell my friend.     With the addition of being Trans, you may encounter more niche situations. Such as, having a wave of dysphoria suddenly hit in the middle of the day, or getting really stressed out at airport security. Being with someone who understands why you’re feeling like this and who can respond in a way which calms you down is important. Similarly, your friend also needs to feel heard and supported by you.    Being able to have active conversations, make compromises, and be kind to each other when things get rough is a must. Sounds simple right? Well, if anything, it’s unsurprising that there’s a saying which reads: ‘if your friendship lasts through a trip, it can last through anything’.      2. Research local laws/culture/social attitudes  It's almost a no brainer for one of the first things you check before considering a holiday destination is the current social/political climate. It’s an unfortunate but necessary step when you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, or any minority group for that fact. One website I would strongly recommend having a look at for this information is Equaldex. It shows all LGBTQ+ rights by country and creates an ‘equality index’ by categorising them into two measures: a ‘legal index’ and a ‘public opinion’ index. It basically does all the research for you – pretty handy.     However, looking into the culture and social attitudes can be a bit trickier than simply reading statistics. I’ve found that the best source of information you can get is from the people who live there themselves. So, off to YouTube and Reddit.    Before I solo tripped to Hong Kong or Thailand, I binge watched youtubers like my life depended on it. Mapping out places which seemed safe to go out as a trans person, seeing what the people are like towards tourists, and the cultural do’s and don'ts - such as how expressive you can be through clothing.    Looking at Reddit can be a useful tool for searching any questions you may have about a country you want to visit and checking responses. With certain topics which aren’t widely talked about, like travelling with hormones, Reddit is a life saver. I remember researching whether flying soon after having top surgery was okay (I had top surgery in South Africa and had to fly back to the UK a week and a half after). I got some useful tips and information which aided my anxiety a lot. And being honest, just hearing that I wasn’t alone in those worries was healing in a way. Some Reddit channels which may be useful to have a look at are as follows: r/asktransgender, r/FtM and r/MtF.       3. Check requirements of the country of entry, including sex markers on passport, hormones, GP letters   The most notable place to check the requirements for entry into a country as a trans person will be on the government website of the country you're visiting. These should be constantly kept up to date on new laws and legislation. They will include topics like travelling with hormones (testosterone/oestrogen), the requirement of GP letters, sex marker on passports etc... If you are based in the UK, you can find these here. When on this website, choose your country of choice. After that, there should be an option for advice for LGBT+ travellers - click onto this.    Another useful site for information would be, yet again, Reddit. People are very thorough in their responses, and due to it being an anonymous site, people don’t shy away from being as in depth as possible. Just search what you want to know and hundreds of people who are also in your predicament will have helpful responses. Example. I am always surprised by the willingness of strangers to help out.    4. Check lgbt apps for events or accommodation that cater to the LGBT+ community Events  One app which I’m sure every gay knows (and deeply loves) which is surprisingly helpful when travelling is Grindr. Though its normally perceived as an app to find some mutual fun every now and then... When in more conservative countries, Grindr can be a useful tool to find where the LGBTQ+ nightlife is when it seems non-existent. From underground gay clubs to hidden jungle parties, it may just persuade you to keep your Grindr account alive for a little while longer.    Another helpful app for finding queer spaces is ‘Everywhere is Queer’ (EIQ). EIQ is an app which has a map that pinpoints locations of queer run businesses near you. So rather than spending an hour on google maps, you have it all already jotted down on the app. It includes hairdressers, general events, tattoo artists, cafe’s etc... And now more than ever, queer run spaces need our support, so why not give it a go.      Accommodation  Now to the dreaded accommodation. Personally, one of my most stressful parts when planning a holiday. Not knowing who you’re bunk mates will be if you’re hostelling, worrying that you’ll be locked out of the air BnB when you arrive, or if the host will be a bit funny when two people of the same gender show up at their little shepherd's hut getaway. To ease some of this tension, I would recommend looking at MisterB&B and Quouch.    MisterB&B is a gay air BnB site where you can choose between hotels, apartments, villas, private rooms etc... But the big pull to the site is that all the accommodation listed is by LGBTQ+ people or allies.    Useful tip - people often use MisterB&B to book a private room at someone's place to receive tips from local gays (aka the host). And hey, if you’re feeling a bit adventurous, there’s even a dating mode on the app.    Quouch would be a more ideal option if you’re travelling solo and, on a budget, – think couch surfing hosted by LGBTQ+ people for LGBTQ+ people. What's not to love?    5. What to pack There are your obvious essentials when packing for a holiday as a trans person, such as; any medication or hormones you take, prescription notes, and gender affirming clothing like binders/tape/packers or prosthetics. But here are some miscellaneous additions you may want to add to your packing list:    Sports bras/light compression binders; If you wear binders and are planning on being relatively active on holiday, be sure to switch out your standard daily binder for something with lighter compression e.g. Spectrum’s binder light or a sports bra. Alternatively, you can also simply size up on your standard binder if this will make you feel more secure going about your day. This is to prevent restricted breathing.     Breathable clothing; Even though being fashion forward on holiday is a high priority for some, ensuring you’ve packed clothing ideal for the climate is a must. While capri jeans are cute, pairing them with a humid country is not a good idea (and yes, I am talking from experience...) although you’ll look cute, the excessive sweating is not worth it! So exchange those jeans and polyester shirts with cottons, linens and sweat wicking fabrics. You’ll thank yourself later I swear.    Sun protection; Those tattoos are not going to protect themselves as much as you believe they will. As well as it just being good for your skin in general, SPF is your best friend for tattoos and any surgery scars you may have. Putting sunscreen onto your scars prevents permanent discoloration and protects collagen while the skin heals. Even if the place you’re going to is not forecasted for sunny weather – bring and wear suncream!    Comfort items; Whether it’s your go to teddy bear that helps you sleep, or headphones that help you relax after a hectic day, it’s truly the little things that make a big impact when travelling. Pack things that are going to help you wind down from a possibly taxing day. 

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Travelling is for everybody | 5 Safety Tips for Planning a Holiday as a Trans Person

Travelling is for everybody | 5 Safety Tips for Planning a Holiday as a Trans Person

Travelling is an incredible adventure that every person should be able to experience, but for us trans folk, there are extra considerations to take into account. These can be handy to to research before you take flight incase any anxiety kicks in. So, to help get your brain going, here are five tips for planning your holiday as a trans person, presented to you as a trans man with extreme wanderlust.   Use filters when looking for accommodation to check they are LGBTQ+ friendly  Whether you’re booking a hostel, a hotel, or an air bnb, being comfortable is key. Using filters such as, ‘LGBTQ+ Friendly’ on websites can help ease your mind that you will not be met with a group of frat boys or a homophobic/transphobic host.       Whether you’re using well-known accommodation apps like Booking.com and Hostelworld or more obscure LGBTQ+ options like MisterB&B and Quouch,  most accommodation sites these days have the option of filtering results to only show you LGBTQ+ friendly places. Don’t be afraid to take advantage of these filters and book a place which suits you! Believe me, there’s nothing worse than dreading to come back to a space which is supposed to bring you peace. Especially on holiday.    Use apps like flush/toilet finder to find public, safe to use bathrooms  The dreaded public bathroom. It’s funny how debated this subject is among people when going into a men's bathroom myself, as a trans man, is in fact not the highlight of my day. Loud groans, clogged toilets and stalls with broken doors - believe me if we had the option to stop our bladders from working when we’re out we would. But unfortunately, it is a bodily necessity.      Apps like Flush and toilet finder can help to scope out the public bathroom situation before going out. They allow you to check requirements, such as if there are any fees, and what toilets they have available. With most toilets being gendered, you can check to see whether there are any disabled toilets at a premises before waltzing in, if you would feel more comfortable using them.    Keep in contact with loved ones, and let them know where you are in case any emergency situations arise  While it can seem silly at times, being in communication with loved ones ensures someone knows A) where you are and B) that you are safe. Sending a simple ‘I’ve arrived at my accommodation (with a link of where you’re staying)’ is suffice. And, giving a check in update every few days with some pictures of your holiday will probably ease your friends/families minds too!     While having fun should be your main priority when travelling around, exercising caution should be pretty close behind this. Taking risks is a given, we risk our lives doing mundane tasks daily: walking downstairs, crossing the road, driving etc... Without risk we would not be truly living and enjoying life. But we have a responsibility to ourselves to oversee our own safety. So, recognising when a certain risk seems to cross your boundaries is important.    Being LGBTQ+ increases potential risk when travelling. And depending on how openly you express yourself through outfits for example, this risk factor can increase. Listen to your intuition and trust your gut! I’ve found myself in situations that have really taught me the importance of listening to my body, an under-appreciated skill when travelling.     Research any medical and emergency resources, especially trans friendly medical facilities  Before travelling you may find it useful to check what level of trans healthcare is available wherever you may be going. Then you can evaluate - based on the level of care and the likelihood of you needing treatment – whether it's worth it to go to your chosen destination or whether it would be better to wait until you’re unlikely to need to see a doctor.       If there are hospitals/medical facilities that specialise in trans healthcare in your chosen destination, it can be handy to have a few numbers and locations jotted down on your note's app just in case.    Sexual health is also something to consider. One tip that I hadn’t known about till recently is that if you’re travelling around Europe, there are HIV testing clinics, otherwise known as ‘checkpoints’ scattered all throughout. The term ‘checkpoint’ came into circulation in 2002 when one of the first community-based HIV rapid testing service known as ‘checkpoints’ was established in Amsterdam. They also test for all sexual health related infections and give out vaccinations. Having these ‘checkpoints’ available allows a safe place for LGBT+ people to go which is free from judgement. To see a map of all of these in the EU click here.    Weigh the need for personal safety over the need for self-expression.  Self-expression, put in simple terms, is how you express your personality, thoughts and feelings through certain mediums. These mediums can be art, music or style based for example. To some, being able to openly express themselves is a natural requirement. And the notion of having to repress this and present themselves in a way which doesn’t correlate with how they feel is unthinkable.     Certain religions, social taboos, and political environments can cause some countries to be unsafe if you want to openly express yourself; asking yourself the question of whether you can sacrifice your self-expression to visit said countries is important. Going into ‘stealth’ mode, while necessary in certain areas to be safe with external conflict, can create a lot of internal conflict within ourselves. So, putting yourself, your needs, and your safety first should always be the priority!   However, an important reminder - no matter how much research you do, the people and cultural norms of a country can be entirely different from what you expect.   To help put this into perspective, my parents moved to the UK from South Africa. Because of this I often visit family over there. From an outsider's perspective, South Africa is a dangerous and politically corrupt place. And while that is somewhat true... I can say for a fact that I have never met nicer people than the locals there. However, the former may also apply, you may think a country is very progressive in their views from the outset and get hit with an upsetting realisation when you’re there.    Long story short, you can never be fully prepared for the reality! And while that is a daunting thought, it’s also the reason why we travel.   A good tip for travelling worldwide is to always pack a safe outfit or two for the ‘what if’ situations you may find yourself in. Such as visiting religious temples and needing a covered-up clothing option. Or realising that the air bnb you booked is in a location that doesn’t seem as LGBTQ+ friendly as the city. Simply packing things like sports bras, long trousers and full coverage shirts will help to ease your mind.     Like I stated at the beginning of this blog, travelling is for every body. You have the right, regardless of sexuality or gender, to see countries and make memories that will last you a lifetime. While there may be some extra steps in the process of planning and booking your holiday, don't let this dissuade you. With some good music in the background, good snacks, and maybe some company, planning can be a great chance to get you in the holiday spirit!

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