To give some background information, I came out around 5-6 years ago as a trans man to my mum. While we had some rocky moments at the beginning, she is now my biggest supporter and my greatest friend. For context my mum moved to the UK from South Africa at 19/20 years old, where this subject wasn’t as widely known or talked about.
From listening and actually hearing me in the very beginning, educating herself for my benefit, and being by my bedside after top surgery, I am forever grateful for her support. Now enough sappiness, and let’s get into a Q&A with a parent of a trans man.
How do you remember the story of me coming out? Do you think that was a good way for you to find out?
‘I was out salsa dancing, and a notification came up on my watch. I glanced down and it just said ‘’I want to be a boy’’. Then I looked again and the message was deleted. You then waited a few days before typing a longer message with the same intent behind it.’
Do you think this was a good way for you to find out?
‘No, I don’t think that was a good way. I would have preferred us to have had a conversation. I do know it was very difficult for you to tell me, but I also am a very open person and would have taken you seriously.’
Do you remember your initial reaction when I came out? If so, what was it and how have your feelings changed/remained the same?
‘Yes, I was sad (I tried to hide it) but I felt like I was losing my little girl. It was a sense of loss, really.’
Are those feelings of loss still present after 5/6 years of me being out?
‘Over time I realized nothing really changed. While your appearance changed and your name changed, you were still you. There was nothing to lose really.’
What’s something you wish you and I approached differently during the initial settling period (couple of months-year after coming out)?
‘There is nothing I would have approached differently; I think we both handled the situation as best as we could at the time.’
Have you seen a difference in me since being out? This can be positive or negative.
‘Yes, you have become more confident and happier in your skin. It’s lovely to see!’
What’s a common misconception about trans people that you hear when you tell people you have a Trans child?
‘People tend to think it’s a choice that you made. I must explain to them that no child would want to have to make this change. It’s how they were born. Also, when they find out you are attracted to men, they always say ‘’Then why did he transition?’’ People battle to understand that being trans is about your body and being gay is about your feelings.’
What piece of advice would you give to the parents of children who have just come out as Trans?
‘Breathe. Everything gets easier over time. Do your research and try to understand your child. It’s not a choice that they just decided to make overnight, it’s who they are. Be on their side, it’s more difficult for them than for you. And above all, because your child has told you they are trans it does not change who they are inside.’
My own perspective
When people ask me for advice on coming out, I always say to people to be understanding yet firm in your identity. While initial shock and confusion are suspected emotions your parents may feel when you come out, that doesn’t mean disrespect and anger is a justifiable response. And while I completely understand parents and loved ones sometimes need time to come around and truly understand, being shocked is no excuse to treat your child poorly.
Please remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong by coming out! You are so worthy of love and kindness, so stand up for your identity as you would for a friend.
